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Untitled #1 [Fragment]
May. 3rd, 2020 01:45 pmI exist on the precipice of trepidation
Giving into thoughts of ideation
Of glory or woe, or some heavy handed foe
Though perhaps I have a long ways to go.
For all my misgivings I live to serve
Through painful dedications I ought to reserve
All that might, and through those that blight
If you could give me just one more night. 
Sooner rather than later I had stumbled into my spirituality, bringing forth a whole new world to explore. Mythology blended with botany, Animism forming the bulk of my beliefs. The creek by my house became my chruch, and the tree behind the swing-set became my maker. The untamed rose learns to grow upwards, for that is where the sunlight hits the brightest.
I found love unexpectedly while on my journey. The Maid smiles at me from above, and grants me the wisdom to know that they are the one. Distance prevents us from meeting for a year and a day, but I will never forget the first moment they wrapped their arms around me.
Sometimes, in order to find love we must experience profound heartache. I am no stranger to this concept. My Achilles heart has been eviscerated many times in its vain attempt to find meaning. I learned to create my own meaning.
Many summers ago, I had longed to travel - and soon the time came where I would have to leave my old life behind to begin a new one. A special place carved out just for me. Out of the ashes I awoke, the Phoenix burning bright within my blood; the pain burning bright within my blood.
Life goes on, and I begin to chase my dreams. I talk to my lover through strained eyes and late night calls. I leave my hometown behind in the spring when my family decides to move far away out west towards beautiful sunsets and sandy summers. The beaches littered along the lakeside shimmering in the sunlight.
Small towns dotted along an idealistic dream. Horse and buggies trot their way down mainstreet, and the sidewalks roll up every night at 9pm. Here it was blissfully quiet, here is where my mother and father would sow their seeds.
They filed for a divorce a few years later.
Slowly emerging from my garden, I taste the forbidden fruit of freedom. And, for the first time in my life I have money of my own. I pull myself back out of fear. The rose inside my heart wounded. I sink dejectedly through the floor.
My lover kidnaps me a few bright weeks into May, and we flee together into the Underworld; seeking freedom away from haunted nights and fighting parents. I am terrified. I am exhilarated. They sink into a deep depression. I am powerless to help them, but they in all their kind wisdom thank me for saving their soul.
We run through forests together, nature as witness to our undying love - they introduce me to their friends, and we get along famously. Cryptids tend to band together in cults. Bonfires and crayfish hunting and magic howled out under a blue moon. River spirits bless us with shiny rocks and tokens of fraternity while hazy story circles puff with the smoke of ditch weed.
I dance with the spirits, and they take my offerings of music and laughter with frenzied glee. I walk through meadows dotted with fairy mounds, and explore uncharted land with my Lover by my side. We create sacred temples under highway underpasses, and pour wine out to the old gods lit in the flames of our mortal souls.
But, like all good things there is always a catch. My Achilles heart longed to speak with my family once more. My electric mind convinces me through the cycles that this will not last forever, and like all dreams I would wake up in cold sweat once more - tainting my new found freedom making it taste as bittersweet as a bottle of pills. The wild and thorny rose within me shudders, willing to breathe its last.
I thank them for saving my life by almost taking it away myself, the heartache and repressed pain too much for my young heart to bear any longer.
Cold and windy autumn nights haunted my homesick soul. The trees buckled under the weight of the wind, and sadness and sorrow pierced the ivory of my armour....
Often times, I need to force myself to eat. Otherwise I won't. I constantly have to re-acquaint my body to the taste of water, otherwise it won't drink. Sometimes, my lover (bless their soul) has to force me to eat. I listen.
Sometimes, my brain doesn't want to listen. I tell it to shut up and eat.
My life has been a constant process of alchemizing my love into personal power.
My life has been a constant process of achemizing my pain into personal power.
My life has been a constant process, and often times I feel like I am failing to live up to a standard that shouldn't be placed on anyone.
Lunchtime in Paris
Apr. 4th, 2020 03:05 pmWhen time passes where does it go?
Does it simply disappear forever
Or does it swirl back into the collective energy pool?
Are we all just waiting for the entropy
To consume us all?
And leave behind
No trace, nothing but
Darkness.
Is there anything worth the price of our souls?
Or are we just black holes
Destined to consume
Everything.
Are we all just cogs
In an ever turning wheel
Destined to repeat itself eventually?
(c) Romana 🌹
Does it simply disappear forever
Or does it swirl back into the collective energy pool?
Are we all just waiting for the entropy
To consume us all?
And leave behind
No trace, nothing but
Darkness.
Is there anything worth the price of our souls?
Or are we just black holes
Destined to consume
Everything.
Are we all just cogs
In an ever turning wheel
Destined to repeat itself eventually?
(c) Romana 🌹
on Gardening and Social Anxiety
Apr. 3rd, 2020 10:29 pmMy plants are doing very well, though I am concerned with my munchkin broccoli asfrom the start it was looking a little leggy but hopefully once I can get my hands on a decent fertilizer it will do better. The garlic is growing fantastic, as well as my green beans. I am very proud of myself as this is the first real long term project I've had in a while. It's definitely given me something to do while everyone is social distancing and quarantined and generally feeling isolated and lonely.
And believe me when I say I am no stranger to isolation.
I spend a lot of time online, I think everyone does to some extent. However, very rarely do I directly interact with others, save for my close friends and those I share discord servers with. We live in strange times where everyone lives in a bubble, and is expected to to be part of and interact with that bubble.
That...poses a bit of an issue for a person such as myself, who can barely use the phone and prefers to stay silent rather than talk your ear off. In an age of social media, in an age where your life is broadcast for the world to see, what does one do if one doesn't wish to partake?
I bit the bullet today and reactivated my instagram, something I thought I'd never do again to be perfectly honest. For the longest time I was content to exist purely in the abstract. An outlier to most people my age, and most people older than myself as well. However, given the circumstances, I do believe this will be mostly beneficial.
The world is in a tumultuous place right now, and things are more lonely than ever. And even I can't avoid everything forever I guess. So this is me, trying in vain to make myself accessible to those who may wish to contact me. Instead of relying on just a home phone and my ravens.
I've been fighting to keep myself as closed off and away from things that might be considered social for so long, that I've isolated myself from my family, friends, and others my age. But damn if I'm going to just sit here and let the world pass me by. So I made a deal with myself - I will reactivate my instagram, and I will create a dreamwidth. That is all. I play by my own rules and I refuse to fall prey to the standards foisted upon me by a bubble that only cares about how much revenue my user data can generate.
So yeah. That's all I have to say right now.
And believe me when I say I am no stranger to isolation.
I spend a lot of time online, I think everyone does to some extent. However, very rarely do I directly interact with others, save for my close friends and those I share discord servers with. We live in strange times where everyone lives in a bubble, and is expected to to be part of and interact with that bubble.
That...poses a bit of an issue for a person such as myself, who can barely use the phone and prefers to stay silent rather than talk your ear off. In an age of social media, in an age where your life is broadcast for the world to see, what does one do if one doesn't wish to partake?
I bit the bullet today and reactivated my instagram, something I thought I'd never do again to be perfectly honest. For the longest time I was content to exist purely in the abstract. An outlier to most people my age, and most people older than myself as well. However, given the circumstances, I do believe this will be mostly beneficial.
The world is in a tumultuous place right now, and things are more lonely than ever. And even I can't avoid everything forever I guess. So this is me, trying in vain to make myself accessible to those who may wish to contact me. Instead of relying on just a home phone and my ravens.
I've been fighting to keep myself as closed off and away from things that might be considered social for so long, that I've isolated myself from my family, friends, and others my age. But damn if I'm going to just sit here and let the world pass me by. So I made a deal with myself - I will reactivate my instagram, and I will create a dreamwidth. That is all. I play by my own rules and I refuse to fall prey to the standards foisted upon me by a bubble that only cares about how much revenue my user data can generate.
So yeah. That's all I have to say right now.
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